


Nineteen

by DancesWithNobody



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Ideation, Train of Thought, past suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancesWithNobody/pseuds/DancesWithNobody
Summary: I never thought I'd see the day I turned twenty.
Kudos: 3





	Nineteen

When I was thirteen, I never thought I’d see the day I turned twenty. 

Truly, I didn’t think I’d experience it. 

Because I didn’t think I’d be alive to. 

It was just this implicit knowledge that, after however many years of trauma, I’d finally give up on life. I’d finally take it from myself. 

At the time, I pictured it as being when I was nineteen. Maybe in the fall after my birthday, so that I was still “newly” that age, but it was solidified enough to where it stuck. 

Maybe using a knife. Maybe pills. Driving off. A gun, because I certainly had access to plenty, and still do. 

I pictured myself having been off to university for over a year at that point. Having not been home frequently, so people would forget what life was like with me around. So that when I was permanently gone, it would be like nothing at all had changed. 

That fall has since come to pass, and now it’s the spring again, and nearing my birthday. 

Nine days from now, I’ll be twenty. 

Nine days from now, my final decision will be known by everyone. Regardless of what that decision will be. 

Nine days that I have to decide what I want to do. Nine separate twenty-four hour cycles in which to place my confidence in.

Now I’m nineteen. 

And I still don’t think I’ll live to see myself turn twenty. 


End file.
